Several years ago a good friend of mine predicted the world would be in serious danger if I ever stopped going to Church. Well aware of my criminal mind and penchant for getting into mischief when bored, he posited that it was only my obedience to a spiritual director and regular Mass attendance that kept me from engaging in a life of crime.
The churches are now closed because of the pandemic, and for the first time in my life I am not able to get to Mass. That friend might have been right.
Last night between 7:48 PM and 8:14 PM I came up with at least 27 profitable criminal activities that could be committed from the comfort of own my living room. Now you might think my motivation for committing these crimes was monetary, but it wasn’t. For the moment at least I am still employed and able to work from home.
Actually I was motivated by the simple desire to speak to another human being. I’ve been watching a lot of Barney Miller episodes on YouTube and it occurred to me that if I did commit a crime, Captain Miller might send Detective Wojciehowicz to arrest me.
My plan was very simple. I would commit the crime, post photos of it on Facebook and just sit quietly with Betty waiting for Wojciehowicz to arrive. Once at the precinct, I would call up Perry Mason who would get me off on the plea of insanity. I was just about to execute on the idea when suddenly I realized a major flaw in my plan.
Wojciehowicz works out of the 12th precinct in New York City; Palmer Rapids is not within his jurisdiction. I thought of perusing the plan anyway. Even if it was an OPP Officer who arrested me instead of Wojciehowicz, at least it would be a chance to talk with another human being. I imagined calling Perry Mason from the OPP detachment in Killaloe and being home in a few hours.
That’s when I realized the second flaw in my plan. Perry Mason lives in California, and with California being locked down, he would not be able to get here. I decided to forgo the idea altogether.
What is concerning about this situation is that my decision to abandon the crime was based solely on geography. At no point did it occur to me that both Wojciehowicz and Perry Mason are fictional TV characters, whose shows did not even air in the same decade, let alone on the same network. Things are getting bad here, really, really bad.
I decided to focus on learning something new instead of dwelling on the possibilities a life of crime might provide. Many people are posting things about how they are learning new hobbies or skills they always wanted to try. This made me reflect on some of the goals I had want to achieve, but never had the time to accomplish before.
In the mid 1980’s I had wanted to be good at breakdancing. This seemed like a great skill to start developing now. It turns
out it wasn’t.
Although I think I will be ok, there was a very close call last night.
I found an instructional video on YouTube which made things look simple enough. I practised the first few moves with some ease. This boosted my confidence and I decided to fast
forward to the end of the video to learn some more complex moves.
I was just about to execute on a move called “the power windmill” when things went horribly wrong. My right foot got caught in the rocking chair flipping it into the air. It landed on a lamp and knocked over a vase smashing it to pieces. I discovered then why they call it "break" dancing. Unfortunately these were not the only things damaged.
I need to stress that I will be OK, and although my leg is in tremendous pain, I’m not going to the hospital at this time. I’m not sure if it is broken or merely sprained, but the swelling is going down. Like many of you I too have been watching survival videos online these past few days and feel blessed to have learned some basic first aid skills just prior to the event.
I fashioned a splint out of duct tape, a broom handle and a shovel from the shed. So far I’m holding up OK. It's hard to walk with the shovel attached to my leg but thankfully I'm alive.
If anyone is having trouble keeping a family member inside these days, duct taping a shovel to one of their legs might help keep them indoors.
There is still snow on the ground in Palmer Rapids, so I packed some of it around the place where it was swelling the most and that seems be helping a lot. When the snow got too cold Betty sat close to me to help warm up my leg. Somehow this alternating between hot and cold really helped.
Things could have been way worse. Many of you have been holding watch parties, and my breakdancing event was going to be my first watch party ever.
I thank the sweet heavens above that I could not figure out how to do the whole watch party thing. The world can only handle one catastrophic event at a time and no doubt many of you would be suffering from PTSD if you had witnessed the scene live.
As you can see from the worried look on Carmelle’s face it was not a pretty sight. The second photo shows Carmelle and Tubby Washington surveying the upturned rocking chair. I’m just so grateful it didn’t hit either of them.
Thanks to everyone who has been praying for us here in Palmer Rapids. All things considered we are doing OK. I’ve decided to scratch breakdancing off of my list of things to learn during the pandemic. I’ve reviewed my home insurance policy and I don’t think damages caused by this activity will be covered.
Until tomorrow! Remember to be grateful for what you have!
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